I’m not the old me, I’m a new, better version of me.

…or as my partner likes to tell me ‘older and wiser dear’. My response is always ‘I can easily change our vows from ‘Til’ death do us part’ to an eulogy; ‘at his demise of being so downright cheeky did we part’..

It’s taken a few years of ups, more time spent down and broke (literally, mentally and financially) than periods of time spent not worrying and fretting with changes and paranoia.

The last few years have been trying, especially the last 2; with a pandemic virus spreading like wildfire, lockdowns, isolations, illnesses, school closures AND working throughout it all to balance the bills, the home life, the working life, the mental health, and the sanity of the family….and breath! Jheez just writing it was exhausting let alone actually living it.

But, here we are, on the sunny (ok let’s be realistic looking out the window at the moment….) rainy end. Life, waking up, putting one foot in front of the other and occasionally cracking a heartfelt and genuine smile isn’t so difficult anymore. In fact, I look forward to getting out of bed, to embracing the day and making memories.

I wonder who to thank.

Would it be AJ for his continued love, patience and support? For not getting cross when, for the millionth time in a month I’ve sat up in a blind panic and asked him if he was going to leave, or if he still loves me as much as the first time he fell in love with me. Or for still loving me when I’m deliberately poking at him to get a reaction because my own insecurity is screaming for attention regardless of wether the interaction is negative or positive?

Would it be the children? For keeping me on my toes, for reminding me not to be selfish and that I still have a responsibility to keep these tall, lanky not so little humans that I made, safe and warm, fed and comforted, supported and loved? For taking their crazy moody Mum at face value and loving me regardless?

Do I thank my friends…actually I won’t go there. Friends is a whole other story for another day, that I won’t dwell on right now. I don’t really have a friend to thank personally just a handful of people who pop up when I post a cry for attention on social media but I never really see in the real world anymore. Sad, harsh but true. (And might I add as my own, personal disclaimer; its of my own doing. I am admittedly a self made hermit who can talk the talk but prefers the company of my ‘inner circle’ (family) and will easily not make plans on purpose. Doesn’t however change the fact of how I feel when it comes to friends.)

Family? AJ and children aside, and a very small handful of others….*tumbleweed passes through barren and empty desert*

My job has probably helped. Actually, I’m certain it has. As a carer in the community, who has also upskilled and taken on a supervisory and trainer roll I have certainly found a new zest for life. An appreciation certainly for what I have and who I am, what I can be and what I can achieve. Compassion and kindness is key and I have that in abundance when it comes to everyone else.

I get days where I miss the ‘old me’. She was confident, sassy, smart assy and had zero doubts. She didn’t have an inner demonologue that whittled away at her mental health and reminded her daily of her imperfections. She…she was a version of me I had fine tuned.

The new me doubts herself constantly, fights with herself, picks holes in completely flawless and logic ideas, she hates her reflection, she is a bit of a Debbie Downer and thinks she’s knows what everyone is thinking and it’s always the worst.

But..here’s the crunch; I really like the new me. I am humbled by my experiences. With every doubt I am determined to do better, to be better. I am cautiously confident – not assuming and willing to learn from my mistakes. I look in the mirror and think ‘if I don’t fix me, no one else will’ while also realising that it is possible to be loved when you don’t feel loveable or likeable.

Let’s wrap this weird psychobabble diaryesque entry up.



Be kind to yourself. Know that it is never going to be possible to be perfect to anyone except yourself; and once you learn who you are – as long as you love you who cares what anyone else thinks.