Dear younger me,

I’m sorry for what I put you through.

You never get any closure from the traumatic childhood memories that are raw in your memory; you learn how to keep the box closed and filed away, how to breath through any fleeting moments of panic and doubt. It gets better.

The relationship with your Mum doesn’t get better. What changes is your strength little lady; the strength and courage to know your worth, pick your battles and remember you didn’t choose your family. Its also important to remember that she’s still your Mum, and you have some fond moments, but the damage has been done and the foundations cannot be fixed. You keep each other amicable, at arm’s length; just enough that you know you care about each other and for now, that’s enough.

The man you thought you fell in love with really did a number on you. Your mental health takes a dip, you have emotional and psychological battle scars; damage from a toxic relationship that neither of you knew how to manage. You don’t find your happy ever after with him, and that’s for the best. You do get the gift of motherhood; two beautiful and healthy children. The two children you birthed grow up into beautiful, hormonally raging but beautiful young adults, and your heart fills with love & pride. They are your finest moment, your proudest creations and give your life meaning.  I promise you the feelings of hurt, mistrust and betrayal do fade away; and rarely now do you get any manic depressed states of overwhelming anxiety. I’m sorry that we went through that, and that we stayed as long as we did. A lot of friendships got lost in the aftermath; well, not so much friends as spectators who disappeared once the drama of a rocky relationship subsided. This relationship also did damage to family members who were isolated from you; but we don’t dwell on this as you get to choose your family in the near future.

There was a guy. You thought he might have been the guy, but sadly, for the second time you experience gut wrenching hurt. He uses you and leaves you for another once he’s back on his feet. Again, do not dwell on this. You get to see him daily in the future, in passing, and you don’t feel loss, remorse, or regret. Just sadness that someone else didn’t know your worth, and recognise you were bruised and recovering. You never get an apology, a reason, as to why this happened. You push through and realise these experiences make you stronger.

You DO get your happy ever after. I mean it, the whole shebang. The butterflies, the thrill of the chase, the dreaming of a happy future, the warm and fuzzy moments getting to know each other, the anxiety of wondering if you’re worth his time, the contentment of knowing this is it. His family CHOOSE you, and the children, and take you in as their own, loved equally, treated as if it’s always been this way. You experience true love, real feelings, and they’re dizzying, intoxicating and addictive. Its rocky in places, because you bring demons from your past to the table, but each time this man finds a way to soothe the hurt and reassure you that this is it. This is the One. You get married. You experience loss & pain with this man, you experience happy highs and lowest of lows. You get through thick and thin and always together. You get a cat, dog, chickens, new home. You learn to drive, a dream you’ve had since you were stuck in a hell hole village with no way out.

You get your family, and its good.

You make and break friends along the way, and that’s ok. Some people are cut out for lifelong friendships, others fade away when the time is right.

Right now, you are content. You are settled. You are home. You are loved.

Push through, younger me – I promise you it’s worth it.